So, Mel Gibson has shot his mouth off again, and some are shocked, while I'm bored.
He’s been bat-shit crazy for nearly a decade now.
But it's made me think back on the people who have retroactively ruined things for me by doing something so dumb/despicable that it taints everything they’ve ever done. Ruining everything forever. Jerks.
So, here it is:
TOP FIVE TOXIC CELEBRITIES
#5
Zach Braff
Crimes: Douchebaggery to nth degree.
He was fun on Scrubs, and Garden State was ok (I take issue that in the third act, it switches from coming-of-age story to love story. He's a manchild! Stay away, helmet girl! You have enough to deal with!)
But living in NY, I know a lot of actresses, thereby - I know a lot of hostesses/waitresses/baristas/etc. And after he became a big man, he acted like a big dick to just about every woman in the service industry in the five boroughs. And the word came out loud and strong: Braff is a royal asshole. More specifically, the kind of asshole who stares at your tits and then says things like, “You know who I am. Want to go somewhere?”
But living in NY, I know a lot of actresses, thereby - I know a lot of hostesses/waitresses/baristas/etc. And after he became a big man, he acted like a big dick to just about every woman in the service industry in the five boroughs. And the word came out loud and strong: Braff is a royal asshole. More specifically, the kind of asshole who stares at your tits and then says things like, “You know who I am. Want to go somewhere?”
What I miss most: Arrested Development’s “S.O.B.” and “Spring Break.” Here he plays a Never-Nude Joe Francis creeper. Too close for comfort.
Silver Lining: It’s not hard to avoid Zach Braff because most of his projects are awful anyway. (Second billing of this winner went to a member of the Real World. Score!)
#4
John Mayer
Crimes: Pseudo-intellectualism. Manchild sexism masquerading as being a hopeless romantic.
I was admittedly never a big John Mayer fan, but his stuff was cute and catchy. And hey, I’m a girl. But then he started talking and wouldn't stop!
I was admittedly never a big John Mayer fan, but his stuff was cute and catchy. And hey, I’m a girl. But then he started talking and wouldn't stop!Final Straw: In Rolling Stone, he explained he wasn’t afraid to commit he just hadn’t yet met the perfect woman. You know, the one with “The Joshua Tree of vaginas.”
What I miss most: John Mayer on Chappelle's Show. Us white people do love guitar rifts.
Silver Lining: Mayer-hating is a deeply satisfying ladies’ night activity. (Tip for Men: Sweatpants are never appealing. Not EVER.)
#3
Lindsay Lohan
Crimes: Descending from promising child actress/possible role-model to total hot mess.
She’s such a trainwreck it’s distracting to all her flicks. It’s like the time I saw Paper Moon at a revival screening a few years back and Tatum O’Neal made a special appearance to introduce the film. As she got up on stage to talk for a bit about making the movie – which made her famous – which inspired her dad to use her to get into Hollywood parties and fuck starlets – which led to her feeling alone/betrayed – which led to her becoming a junkie - one astute audience member whispered, “Her life is so sad.” Yep. And it taints the whole movie - sad. So, how, I ask you can I ever enjoy the Lilo canon ever again?
What I miss most: Mean Girls. She nailed being the nerd girl outsider.
Silver Lining: Fellow Mean Girls Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried and Lizzy Caplan took the ball and ran with it, being awesome non-trainwrecks! Watch your back, indeed.
(Top 2 after the jump!)
(Top 2 after the jump!)
#2
Mel Gibson
Crimes: With all his racist, sexist, anti-Semitic tirades coupled with reveling in violence in film and in life (allegedly) he’s proven to be ten tons of crazy awful. Plus he left his wife of 29 years for a Russian something or other (I don't know/care what she does) he’d knocked up, after preaching to the world with torture porn masquerading as religious devotion. It’s an extensive wrap sheet.
The Last Straw:
The Last Straw:
Seriously.What I miss most: Maverick made my adolescent heart flutter for Mel. It's not a great film but was a mad fun flick. Full of action, banter, charm and Jodie Foster! But never again. It’s not fun to watch Mel “pretend” to lose his cool anymore.
Silver Lining: “Sugar Tits” is hilarious. It'd be a good name for a kitten.
#1
Tom CruiseCrimes: Couch hopping. Girlfriend Auditioning. Scientology.
Cruise has cornered the market on making us all uncomfortable, and regretting our childhood crushes.
The Last Straw: “You’re glib, Matt.” Because Tom Cruise knows what’s best for everyone. How many times does he have to save the world (in movies) before you realize that, Matt Lauer?
What I miss most: It'd be nice symmetry to pick Top Gun, what with the Maverick connection and all, but what I really miss is Interview With The Vampire. Long before tweens were rubbing their promise rings over glitter bedecked vampires, I was curled up reading Anne Rice and wearing out my VHS of Interview. However watching Cruise play an implied gay vampire is less fun when in real life …you get where I’m going here.
Silver Lining: South Park’s Trapped in the Closet episode.
Thank Jebus for Matt and Trey, who have made an art form of taking celebs down a peg. Whether their crime is Scientology (Isaac Hayes) Fame Whoring (Paris Hilton), Bat-Shit Craziness (Gibson), Douchebaggery (Kanye West), or living a lie (Cruise, John Travolta, Mark Macguire, OJ, etc.), South Park calls out what we're all grinding our teeth over at home.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
